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The Mostly Mental Mom
Real talk on the rollercoaster of mental health—it's affect on every part of your life, survival hacks, and a little bit of funny banter to remind you that showing up for yourself is the most important thing you can do in the mental health game!
The Mostly Mental Mom
EP.4: Real Talk | From Hope to Realism in Managing Bipolar
After spending a decade navigating the highs and lows of bipolar disorder, I had the opportunity to share a platform with fellow mental health advocate Michael Vanzetta on the PiZetta Media Content with a Cause podcast. This conversation sparked deep reflections on the unrealistic expectations I've set for myself and how they have impacted my mental well-being. In the latest episode of the Mostly Mental Mom podcast, I open up about these personal battles, emphasizing the importance of shifting towards a more realistic perspective to better manage the emotional rollercoaster that comes with bipolar disorder. By sharing my journey, I hope to connect with others who might find solace in knowing they're not alone.
Living with bipolar disorder often feels like a silent battle, where reaching out for support is daunting yet crucial. I candidly discuss the challenges of facing these internal struggles, the fear of letting others down, and the liberation that comes with embracing vulnerability. My message to you is clear: you don't have to fight alone. Whether it's finding comfort in the presence of loved ones or joining communities of supportive strangers, there's always someone willing to listen and help.
Show up friends!
Lauren | The Mostly Mental Mom
welcome, welcome, welcome to the mostly mental mom podcast. I'm lauren, your podcast host and resident mostly mental mom. Thank you so much for tuning in to episode four. Thank you for listening to any prior episodes or if you're just tuning in now. I appreciate you all. You can find all these episodes on all your streaming platforms. All you got to do is just search the Mostly Mental Mom podcast.
Speaker 1:Anywho, first of all, let me tell y'all about a little bit of an exciting thing that happened this week for the Mostly Mental Mom. I was on a podcast, I was a guest, y'all. Someone wanted to talk to me, I know, right, right, but anyways, michael Vanzetta, which I mentioned his name and his impact last episode, had me on his podcast Paisetta Media Content, with a Cause Monday, and it'll come out sometime next week, I believe, which I will share with you guys. But it was so much fun, it was great to be on that side, because I definitely want to have guests on this podcast, and so it kind of helped me see what that was modeled like, and it was just fun to talk more about mental health with someone else that cares about mental health. So stay on the lookout for that and I can't wait to share it.
Speaker 1:Um, right now it looks like episodes are going to drop on Sunday and Wednesdays. I'm keeping them around 20 to 30 minutes to hopefully not lose your attention span and keep you coming back. So that's the plan on that and we'll do any housekeeping at the end. Further housekeeping, if I think of any. But onto today's episode. I just wanted to try to dive into my story a little bit more. So, with that said, knowing me you never would know.
Speaker 1:From my upbringing to school to to after college and even to today. You would never know what is going on inside of my brain and the bipolar battle that I fight, that I fight. That can make for a very lonely road, even if there are people around you, and it is challenging to remain optimistic sometimes. There are many days where I want to really just tell everyone to fuck off. I'm being honest, I want to tell a lot of people that that's a first world problem. There's a lot of days where I want to tell my very chatty seven year old to just pipe it down a lot. I mean, I tell her a little bit but she talks a lot y'all. I know it seems like I talk a lot, but not in comparison. There are many days where I don't want to see a human, I don't want to hear an extra noise, the TV's too loud, I'm overstimulated constantly and there are days when I wished sometimes that I had a clear trauma that I know just instigated all this. That explained my life kind of always being in shambles. But the harsh reality for me and this is not everyone with mental health disorders or everyone with bipolar. So let me clarify I am sharing my journey here, and for a reason Because I don't fit a mold and I know that not everyone does. So someone's got to share and I volunteer as tribute and I volunteer as tribute.
Speaker 1:But the harsh reality for me is that I will fight this forever. At least that's the reality. I see it as Excuse me. I'm not saying that there isn't different therapy options and there's not a future ahead to where it is a lot more manageable, and I have a different view. But for 10 years now I have not had the realistic view. I've had the hopeful view. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not discounting hope.
Speaker 1:But for me I couldn't continually look at how my life was going to be through the hopeful lens Because the way my bipolar disorder affects me, it only set me up for failure, because I wouldn't reach that expectation of a better XYZ and for every time I wouldn't meet those markers that I was expecting to meet. That by now I'd have a handle on my bipolar, by now I'd have a career and a job that I'd been in for five years. That by now I would not be in debt because of my bipolar. All of those markers of expectations, of hope for better. It's not that they're bad expectations, but I didn't meet them. Every time I didn't meet one of those which, with all of those types of goals, are little bitty goals, prior right, and every time I would not meet one, that was a failure in my mind. And every time I didn't hit one of those, the failure hit harder and it hit my depression harder.
Speaker 1:So the depressive episodes got worse and it got darker, and there were way too many that were dark. Dark that to me the option for how to handle my bipolar was to flip the switch and go full blown. Realistic, like maybe a little too realistic. But then I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised by a depressive episode. I'm not just surprised by some mania. I'm not surprised by not being able to keep up with someone who doesn't have bipolar disorder in a job or in life or you name it, but that also means that it's me, there's something wrong with me, and that's.
Speaker 1:I know it comes out wrong, but it's just the reality. My brain chemistry is off to an extent that it gravely affects me and my life and those in it. And the last 10 years were, I guess, an experimental phase of trial and error to see what would catch, what would work, what wouldn't work. I didn't realize that. I thought I was going on to the next thing. I thought I was getting better. I thought things were getting better, or I was at least making it through a life stressor when something you know, besides bipolar would come into play. You know, um, other life events would come into play. But then the life event would pass and I was still so messed up by my bipolar and I would just think what the fuck Are we done yet? Are we like, haven't I passed the test? No, I guess not. But then that's where it's. I don't think it's a test, I think it's. This is my life and this is what I have been given, and now I have to figure out a way to do it. To do it, but I also have to throw out what has not worked. I have to throw out really kind of it's like blank slate. It is starting as if I just got diagnosed and someone just put a road ahead of me and they're like it's just an empty, lonely, just vacant road going somewhere. We don't know where, but it's going somewhere. Here you go, you can have it. That's what I feel like right now and it's both freeing Because I don't feel like I can be caught off guard as much Now, but at the same time it's also very lonely Because no one else gets to understand this like reset switch of the hopeful road versus the realistic road, and that it's actually a growth moment for me. Um, from the public vantage point and from like the other side of watching my life, it just looks like I failed over and over and over again for 10 years and I'm very unreliable and I'm the boy who cried wolf. You know all kinds of things. I can feel confident in my journey, but all of those pieces still sting and hurt.
Speaker 1:My least favorite thing about being a creative type, about hosting a podcast, is that I need to promote it on social media. Why, you ask? Because social media is like this perpetual reminder of how I'm not enough or how I've felt like I'm not enough, because you get to watch all these lives continue on and you get to see interactions and you get to see, and you get to see how you fell short and didn't get to stay included. A lot of it is 100% my fault. I go off grid when I know I am not doing well or someone could call me out. I disappear. Guilty I did. I mean now I don't. I'm right here talking to you about it all. But, however, at the same time I'm doing what I'm doing now because of, also, what I experienced and learned through relationships and friendships.
Speaker 1:Hoping that I can not set a better example, because that's not fair, that's not right, but hoping that I can shed light on why I am the way I am and why other people like me may be like this and why we may be hard to love and hard to care about and hard to keep up with and hard to deal with, but that hopefully, there's a middle ground. There's a middle ground Because, no matter the whys of it all, sometimes I really kind of hate like why does there have to be whys? Sometimes? That's what I kind of want to know on that front. But, um, but I hope that I'm at least representing those like myself so that you're not alone. So if you feel very isolated and you don't feel like there's a safe place to talk or go to or you're just there's no one to trust, you know there's no one to really open up to. I hope that I just give you hope on that front. And then, on the flip side, on those that interact with people with mental health disorders bipolar, I'm bipolar. I hope I'm providing context as to why it's not purposeful and why we really need you to stick around and keep giving us the benefit of the doubt. It's not. I realize it's not fair, but I also have another truth bomb for you. Life's not fair. Do you think we want to live with bipolar disorder and be a pain in the butt? No, we don't.
Speaker 1:But what has been hard to wrestle with and hard to not hold it inside as anger, um, or resentment, anything like that, and hold it as I guess ignorance is the best way to put it. I'm ignorant on a lot of things and I don't like to think. I believe that if you don't have mental illness and you don't have someone close, close, close, by that you really understand it. You're very ignorant to it. That's just the reality. You can't Google enough about it. Become an expert. Sorry, it's just not going to happen, and that's okay, but from both sides, we just have to make it better. Those of us that are struggling with darkness inside need light. We need support. We also need help understanding what is not understood, and vice versa. Otherwise, we'll stay in our silent battles. Some will lose that battle and some will not, the more everyone has an opportunity to really open up with their story and their history and whatever is going on in their lives, with a freedom to know that there's going to be someone listening and that cares.
Speaker 1:And if I'm being very frank right now, I don't have really a good wrap-up for this podcast today. I'm not super pleased with this episode, but I'm gonna put it out there. I feel like it has to have a purpose. Maybe it's just to be the bad episode, I don't know, um, but I'm going to go ahead and stop just out of feeling like that's what I'm supposed to do.
Speaker 1:So, um, the reason the last 10 years has looked like nothing from most vantage. There's no excuse for where I'm at today. It's because it's very hard to speak reality. It's very hard to actually say what's happening inside my bipolar brain and it's hard enough to show up for my own days. So knowing that I could potentially and not potentially I will let you down, other people down right now does not seem worth the risk. But then that also comes with its own kind of terrifying piece is I get nervous that that silent battle is going to take over because I'm only fighting it in my own head? I'm not, there's no one else listening and honestly, friends, that's kind of really why I'm here Talking to you is because there was nowhere else to go and, oddly, talking to potentially millions of strangers is much easier than looking someone else in the eye that I've let down in the past.
Speaker 1:So, for those that struggle with bipolar disorder and any other mental illness, struggle with bipolar disorder and any other mental illness, Just remember you aren't alone. You may feel alone, but you're not.
Speaker 2:You may feel like you cannot trust anyone, and that feeling is very valid.
Speaker 1:But I'm reminding myself that it's not true. It may not look like what we're used to it looking like calling up a friend, telling a loved one. It may be reaching out to communities and groups that are outside of your sphere, but there are people that want to hear. I'm one of those. So I hope, if anything, this rambling podcast episode at least just is. I'm showing up, y'all, I'm showing up today. That's what I'm doing and I'm grateful for anyone who lends an ear. So grateful and thank you for being here and listening.
Speaker 1:I'm Lauren, your podcast host and your resident, mostly Mental mom, your podcast host and your resident, mostly mental mom, and today I'm gonna sign off a little bit differently. I'm gonna sign off with a song that is actually titled silent battles. So, um, before I go into that, I'm just to actually end on it. In case it's really bad, I can clip it out. Um, a little. Uh, housekeeping. Um, of course, if you are interested in starting a podcast, please check out Buzzsprout. It is awesome.
Speaker 1:I have a referral code in my link of this podcast episode. You can get money off and so can I. It's a win-win deal. Love them. Presonos is my software recording and my mic. Love them as well. They're great.
Speaker 1:I'm also looking at just to test some other options just for more budget friendly. This is not necessarily like economical. I was gifted this, so that's why I kind of want to test some other options. Also, again, if you're interested at all in being a guest on this podcast whether you are someone with mental illness, a loved one in a support system, you're an expert, any of the things I would love to interview you and have you on here. It would be a privilege and an honor and we can do it Zoom or call or whatever is convenient for you. So let me know. Episodes will drop on Sundays and Wednesdays and be on the lookout for my guest appearance on Paisetta Media Content for Cause with Michael Vanzetta, hopefully next week. So thank you, guys again for tuning in and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. This is Lauren signing off.
Speaker 2:Sleepwalking. It's those meds talking To the voices in my head. My mind's racing, my feet are pacing. Damn, these thoughts move so fast. Please don't say this too shall pass, sink or swim. I'm in the deep end. No ladder to climb out From this mind. I'm lost in the sadness. But I bring you madness. But it's hard to believe what you cannot see. But silent battles are so deadly deadly. Tried fleeing but started seeing all the damage in my wake so I stopped crying, oh, but I kept lying. What if I lock this part away? Will you promise to stay, sink or swim? Hell, I'm in the deep end. No ladder to climb out from this mind. I'm lost in the sadness. But I'll bring you madness. But it's hard to believe what you cannot see. But silent battles are so deadly Hearts aching soul is breaking.
Speaker 2:All the silence takes a toll. Try praying. Lord. Need saving From this life. I want to steal Jesus. Please take the wheel, sink or swim. I'm in the deep end. A ladder to climb out From this mind. I'm lost in the sadness. But I bring you madness. But it's hard to believe what you cannot see. But silent battles are so Silent battles are so Silent battles are so deadly. Thank you,
